Hopes and Habits

Things start out as hopes and end up as habits.
Lillian Hellman

The last month has been…I’m not even sure what word to use.
…difficult, frustrating, depressing, discouraging, disheartening, exhausting….

These feelings have been caused by a number of different things, not all related to my journey here. Even now I’m finding it very difficult to even focus and write this post. I’ve started, saved and come back to it for three days. That’s after at least a week of opening wordpress, staring at the screen for a while and walking away.

In my last post, about the opening night of Dancing with the Stars, I truly was excited for the season to begin. In my mind I was ready to approach this season a little differently. I wanted to look at each week like game tapes for football players. Watch what they do, see how they do it, watch them overcome their own frustrations, challenges and injuries as weekly motivation for my own journey. That lasted for about two weeks.

I have continued to go to Zumba three times a week and have continued a lot of the extra movement habits I started when this journey began. I still park at the far corner of the parking lot when I go to the gym and at least 15 spaces out at other stores. I carry my laundry up and down the stairs one armful at a time rather than all at once in an awkward laundry basket. I try to do three to four Zumba songs on my own a couple of times a week on days I can’t make it to a class. I’ve even started parking my car on the street at my house and walking down the driveway on most days. (Not the best of ideas in thunderstorms!)

I have been moving. I’m still moving.
Emotionally and mentally, though, I am exhausted and drained.

Alfonso and Whitney doing the “Carlton”

Two weeks ago was the episode of Dancing with the Stars that I always look forward to – the night each celebrity tells the story of the most important or memorable year of their life. I just knew that Alfonso Ribiero was pulling out “The Carlton” that night and could not have been more pleased! It was, in word, perfect! I giggled and squealed and laughed and grinned with the rest of the world that grew up watching Fresh Prince.

During this theme night every season, there are always dances that are funny and cute, while others are sweet, and some that choke you up and bring tears to your eyes. Lea Thompson’s tribute to her late father was amazing.

But it was Bethany Mota that left me speechless.

At the beginning of the season I didn’t know what to think of Bethany. I wasn’t sure I liked her. There was no real reason. I honestly didn’t know much about her. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I think most of my uncertainty stemmed from jealousy, pure and simple. Jealousy that she was getting to dance with Derek, but also jealousy that she’s actually pretty good. Pretty good at doing something that I’m not even close to doing yet. So yeah…I’ve had a hard time embracing her and being a fan. A bit silly, I know, but there you have it.

That night Bethany opened up on national television about the pain and betrayal she suffered at the hands of people she called friends. She spoke about how she lost confidence in herself, in who she was and how she has overcome that.

I sat on my sofa, curled under my blanket and cried as I recalled my own teenage experiences of bullying, although no one called it that in the late 80’s. It was just teenage girl meanness. Meanness and name calling, that while my “friends” didn’t actively participate, they sat in the circle with them, listened and laughed and never defended me or walked away. We all do stupid and immature things as teenagers, but that doesn’t mean that the emotional and mental impact doesn’t last past the teenage years.

Bethany Mota being Brave

I watched their performance over and over. It has taken me two weeks to even begin to process a response.  I’d like to say that I woke up the next morning reenergized and excited again about this process…not quite. Then next morning I went to Zumba and all I could think was “I’m never going to make it. I’m not sure I can do this. I’m working so hard, changing so much, and what difference it is making.” I felt a lost and not a little hopeless.

Then the weather changed…literally. We had a bit of a cold snap, so I began the clothing transition from summer to fall/winter. Jeans I haven’t worn since the spring are too big. I pulled out the box of “next smaller size” clothing that I sorted out back in August and I could now wear about half of it. I also did something incredible daring. I started filling up bags for Goodwill.

I’ve always been a “keep it, just in case” kind of person. In the past I would have kept my favorite summer clothes for next year…you know, just in case I don’t keep on track, just in case I don’t reach my goals, just in case…

Just in case has become a safety net, a back-up plan, a future excuse. Plans and excuses that I DON’T need.

This morning I got on the scale and saw a number that…I don’t remember the last time I saw it. Although I’ve physically been getting smaller, the actual number showing on the scale hasn’t changed much. I’ve been hovering between and 12 and 14 pounds lost. Today, it became 15.

Sometimes habits become things that hold us back, that become bad routines and keep us from changing and growing.

Sometimes habits are the things that save us when we lose our focus or when the rest of life becomes overwhelming and distracting.

The difference between an amateur and a professional is in their habits. An amateur has amateur habits. A professional has professional habits. We can never free ourselves from habit. But we can replace bad habits with good ones.
Steven Pressfield

Roaring Colors!

Today’s post is brought to you by the colors turquoise and magenta.

I wear a lot of black. There are lots of reasons that a good majority of the clothing I own is black.
~ It’s easy and it’s classic.
~ For my job we must wear black or khaki pants. Not a huge fan of khaki.
~ I actually look good in black. Some people do not have the coloring, it makes them look washed out. I, however, can!
~ Black is slimming. All young ladies are taught this as a basic rule of life, shopping and fashion. It’s true! What it actually does is absorb light so that curves, bulges, lumps and bumps are hidden. Whereas white and lighter colors do the opposite.

We are also taught that wearing one color top to bottom makes you look slimmer because it gives the eye a straight vertical line to look at and doesn’t emphasize any particular areas. When you wear different colors top and bottom, the eye is instantly attracted to where the break occurs – usually around the waist or hips – not usually the area we want emphasized!

I looked in the mirror during class one day a few weeks ago and realized I was a bit of a cliche. I was wearing black pants, a black top, even my sports bra and ponytail holder were back. I had on white and silver shoes, but even my socks were black! The only color was the lime green soles of my shoes – but that was mostly because they are my good supportive cross trainers and that’s the color they came in. If I have my preference on shoes, it’s not black or white, but grey. Not much difference, really.

I went home that day and pulled out all my gym clothes and was actually a bit shocked at how little color there was. I had a little bit of navy blue and my favorite yoga pants are a dark charcoal grey. I had one shirt that was a turquoise color – but even it was pretty dark.

One of the fun things about Zumba is the crazy colors and outfits (Check out Zumba.com) Not every instructor wears official Zumba gear, but they all have at least a few fun and funky things they’ll wear – even if it’s just their shoes.

So there I was, in my head-to-toe black, disguising my curves and bumps and lumps, hiding in the back row.

Something clicked that day and I decided NO MORE!!

My next trip to Goodwill I mentally prepared myself for clothes shopping. I was specifically looking for exercise/dancing clothes and intentionally SKIPPED the section of black clothes. I came away with a pair of royal blue yoga pants and three tops – magenta, turquoise and white with blue geometric designs. A couple of days later at a non-thrift store I found myself some neon hair ties and headbands – you know, because the 80’s are coming back!

Then, on the way out of the store a shirt practically jumped out and yelled “Here I am!! I’m the one!” I’m not one for clothing with a lot of …shall we call it bling – sparkle, gems, glitter, studs, etc. You know, the things that might draw attention. Well…it’s kind of hard to see, but this one has it ALL AND the image of a tiger. As soon as I saw it I thought “Hear me ROAR!”
Yes…I was channeling Katy Perry.

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

Here is to being my own hero!

Now I’m not getting rid of perfectly good workout clothes just because they are black, but they will always be paired with something that says I AM HERE!

I spent this past holiday weekend with my sister and her family. My five year old niece is my mini-me. Yeah…it’s good to be the cool aunt. She heard me talking about dancing and Zumba to my mom and sis and she wanted to know what it was. I told her it was kind of like exercise, but it was dancing to really cool music, so it was lots of fun. Did I mention that she is in love with dancing? She decided I needed to show her and dance with her! I already had on my royal blue pants and my tiger shirt, so I pulled up some Enrique Iglesias on my laptop and taught my first Zumba class! The really fun part was that my mom and sister were just going to watch, but then they couldn’t sit still either. We got through about three songs before they’d had enough.

My niece and I then went for about a twenty minute walk around the neighborhood. When we got back, I cleaned up, put on clean clothes and went back downstairs wearing the only extra top I’d brought with me – black and grey stripes. My niece immediately climbed in my lap and asked what had happened to my other shirt. I explained that I’d gotten hot and sweaty and now it needed washing before I could wear it again. She then said, “Well we can put it in the washing machine so you can wear it. I like it better than this one.”

That answers that question.

It’s really easy to get colors right.
It’s really hard to get black – and neutrals – right.
Black is certainly a color but it’s also an illusion.
Donna Karan